Fucked that one up
Aug. 1st, 2014 12:06 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
marlowe1Here's Shane MacGowan singing a love song to a bottle of Scotch (or rotgut whiskey - it doesn't matter) -
I've been listening to a lot of these drinking songs, reading a lot of articles about addiction (I still like John Cheese's articles about quitting drinking in Cracked) and revisiting the old story about how I tried to impress Joe Hill at a signing by talking about how I knew his friend Brian and how Brian always brought the Scotch to science fiction panels - only to realize later on that addiction plays a HUGE role in his books and it's never a good thing. (also he's the basis for Danny in The Shining - a kid running away from his drunk father).
I hung out with friends last night and I rode the same subway with one friend that I had been wanting to talk to because I missed her - even though I was staying away from her - only she had eaten pot brownies during the movie we all saw and was completely stoned. So I went home, wrote long messages on FB - first about how I was annoyed with her but then about how I feel like she's drowning.
But up until last night, I gave her no reason to trust my objectivity. I try to tell myself that it doesn't matter. When an addict is married to the addiction, there is nothing that you can do to pry them apart. But I gave her enough ammunition to dismiss everything I said entirely. I was obsessively infatuated with her and open about it. I was completely honest about everything. I also stood too close to her and told way too many stories. This doesn't make sense.
Ok, this is another one of those posts written in post-infatuation "oh really" mode. I chase drama. I get all Young Werther on women. I make them the sole arbiters of all happiness and misery. I don't do it as much any more, but when I see it happening, I know myself enough to be worried. And then when it's all over, I am sitting there thinking "HER? What were you thinking?" And I know what I was thinking and it had about 5% to do with this particular woman (Jenny, Dassie, etc.) being awesome (although they always have awesome traits) and 95% my own self-loathing, neediness and desire to be in a relationship even if it mostly existed in my head.
Anyhow, I am getting over these crushes faster these days. Sometimes I just push the point of confrontation up, but in this case, I know that if I had not been obsessed I wouldn't have noticed the drinking. And if I hadn't gone through weeks of telling myself "well it's just because she's in a bad place right now so it should work itself out" I wouldn't have confronted her about it.
But what the hell am I mad about myself for? I have a friend. I acted obsessive but I struggled with it and didn't let it get out of hand. Only because i was open with my issues - many centering on her - when I finally did wake up and realize that I had a friend with a substance abuse problem and I needed to say something, well I had already announced that I'm an emotional wreck and that I can't be taken seriously.
Oh fuck it. She has been drinking long before I met her and there's no part of her personality that says that she's going to stop any time soon. It's a sad fucked up situation but ultimately it's not my problem.
I've been listening to a lot of these drinking songs, reading a lot of articles about addiction (I still like John Cheese's articles about quitting drinking in Cracked) and revisiting the old story about how I tried to impress Joe Hill at a signing by talking about how I knew his friend Brian and how Brian always brought the Scotch to science fiction panels - only to realize later on that addiction plays a HUGE role in his books and it's never a good thing. (also he's the basis for Danny in The Shining - a kid running away from his drunk father).
I hung out with friends last night and I rode the same subway with one friend that I had been wanting to talk to because I missed her - even though I was staying away from her - only she had eaten pot brownies during the movie we all saw and was completely stoned. So I went home, wrote long messages on FB - first about how I was annoyed with her but then about how I feel like she's drowning.
But up until last night, I gave her no reason to trust my objectivity. I try to tell myself that it doesn't matter. When an addict is married to the addiction, there is nothing that you can do to pry them apart. But I gave her enough ammunition to dismiss everything I said entirely. I was obsessively infatuated with her and open about it. I was completely honest about everything. I also stood too close to her and told way too many stories. This doesn't make sense.
Ok, this is another one of those posts written in post-infatuation "oh really" mode. I chase drama. I get all Young Werther on women. I make them the sole arbiters of all happiness and misery. I don't do it as much any more, but when I see it happening, I know myself enough to be worried. And then when it's all over, I am sitting there thinking "HER? What were you thinking?" And I know what I was thinking and it had about 5% to do with this particular woman (Jenny, Dassie, etc.) being awesome (although they always have awesome traits) and 95% my own self-loathing, neediness and desire to be in a relationship even if it mostly existed in my head.
Anyhow, I am getting over these crushes faster these days. Sometimes I just push the point of confrontation up, but in this case, I know that if I had not been obsessed I wouldn't have noticed the drinking. And if I hadn't gone through weeks of telling myself "well it's just because she's in a bad place right now so it should work itself out" I wouldn't have confronted her about it.
But what the hell am I mad about myself for? I have a friend. I acted obsessive but I struggled with it and didn't let it get out of hand. Only because i was open with my issues - many centering on her - when I finally did wake up and realize that I had a friend with a substance abuse problem and I needed to say something, well I had already announced that I'm an emotional wreck and that I can't be taken seriously.
Oh fuck it. She has been drinking long before I met her and there's no part of her personality that says that she's going to stop any time soon. It's a sad fucked up situation but ultimately it's not my problem.
