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Child Abuse and Annie Hall
Feb. 11th, 2014 08:48 pmPossibly the most fascinating thing about the Woody Allen/Dylan Farrow debate is how much people filter the experiences of mostly complete strangers through their personal experiences. At this point there is really no overwhelming evidence for one side or the other. Like conspiracy theorists, the people most interested in arguing about this case are making a big deal out of the facts that support their argument and dismiss the facts that may dispute their "side". Are the statements about Woody Allen being obsessive with Dylan true or manufactured by the Farrow camp? Is Woody Allen really too claustrophobic to have gone into that room or did the fact that he's been in the room (complete with fingerprints) proof that he's lying about it? Did the Soon-Yi affair establish a pattern of abuse and daughter-fucking or were they two adults who entered into a highly inappropriate relationship? What about Allen's jokes about 12-year old girls from the 70s? Mia Farrow's creepy valentine? Are implanted memories a valid hypothesis or just bullshit? Was Woody Allen's response a plea for truth or an arrogant bastard calling his ex-girlfriend a psychopath.
And of course, the language turns to invectives and insults. If you believe Woody Allen, then you are a misogynist shitbag who is supporting rape culture. If you believe Dylan, then you are a lynch mob. Either way, you're blaming the victim.
I was focusing on the Soon-Yi affair as the most important component. People who believed that Allen brainwashed Soon-Yi away from her family and abused the paternal role believe that he molested his 7 year old daughter. People who believed that Soon-Yi was an adult making adult decisions (as bad as they might have been) and is just as culpable as Woody in that fiasco are more inclined to believe that Woody is being framed by a (justifiably) angry ex-girlfriend.
But why do people believe either way about Soon-Yi?
However, the more I think about it (I'm thinking about it a lot) the more it becomes a litmus test for sexual abuse and other forms of abuse. Dylan Farrow claims that she was molested. People who have been molested or experienced molestation in their communities (beyond the old guy that had me dig through his pockets for his change and told me I could keep what I took - I think I got at least four bucks out of it) are going to be more inclined to believe Dylan, because they know what it's like to have their stories doubted. They know what it's like to be dismissed because they are accused someone that people genuinely like. Not all molesters are like Ed Kramer or Michael Jackson who established themselves as creepy with overt attempts to isolate children from their parents and proudly proclaiming that they invite children over to Neverland and sleep with them in the same beds.
From this personal experience, which includes shame and guilt - even more for people who may have originally disbelieved their friends when they told them about the priest or the rabbi molesting them - there is a SOP of believing everyone who tells their sexual molestation story. There are several articles supporting this assertion. In one article, the writer used legalese to say that Dylan should be considered honest until proven otherwise. Another tact is the STFU, most women who are raped don't report it (by inference a woman who reports rape is telling the truth because she's putting herself out there). These are all compelling viewpoints.
However, the pro-Woody anti-Mia camp also has compelling emotional reasons that go beyond the "calling Mia a crazy bitch" reductive interpretation. Both Moses Farrow and Soon-Yi Farrow (Allen?) have put out statements saying that Mia Farrow was an abusive mother who created a hostile environment where they were the primary victims and Woody was a secondary victim. Their claims have also been dismissed by the Farrow camp (with Dylan stating that Moses is dead to her and that Mia was the best mother ever).
And here's where my personal history makes me more pre-disposed to believe Moses and Soon-Yi. I was raised by a single mother who was bipolar. I remember what it felt like to walk on eggshells. A great deal of my childhood was spent trying to make Mom happy. Didn't help much that she was also the angry woman that yelled at the neighborhood kids or thought that there was nothing wrong with telling me all about her life before I was born (including stories of her first boyfriend Pat and her favorite boyfriend Sam - details that you really shouldn't be telling to kids) or reading my mail when I was a teenager. I spent my teen years angry and it took me until my thirties to be ok with talking to her (thankfully menopause happened and she transitioned into a less fucked up angry person - except for the hoarding). I remember she would take me to her favorite bar for the free appetizers, usually to see her friend Anne. One point she wanted me to go up to one of the owners and reference a joke that he used to tell when I was a baby about me being his kid. And she wouldn't fucking let me refuse. I was like 8 and I finally just had to go up to him and mumble something and then she got mad at that too.
And no way would she remember any of this. She likes to edit her memories. I'm never going to get an apology for any of these stories and I gave up wanting one.
The major disadvantage is that it messed up my relationships for years. I'm already introverted and pretty shy, but I also gravitate towards women that will make me miserable. Even though I'm much too old to do the hopeless infatuation routine, I was doing it as recently as 5 years ago. I really convinced myself that things would work out with Chevi even though she was always angry at me and the "walking on eggshells" routine was even more profound with her. I claim that she was my wake-up call, but I don't know that I won't repeat the mistake. For contrast, I didn't feel like I was in a "real" relationship with Nanda until she was breaking up with me. Three years of comfortable companionship and I felt awkward for not being in a "passionate" relationship with screaming fights and things being thrown. The last year when she broke up with me, came back and made it obvious that she was not staying with me and that it would be better if I broke up with her - THAT was ideal for me.
On the other hand, it does give me a good healthy doubt for these essentialist gender roles. Women are not naturally maternal. There is nothing that says that a woman is going to be supportive or caring - no matter how much society tells her that it's natural to be that way. Those bullshit 80s feminist articles about how heterosexual relationships are by definition unequal and abusive - recognized as bullshit - and makes me want to call attention to domestic violence centers that cater to homosexuals because there is a general drift away from talking about the truth that gay couples can be just as fucked up and abusive as straight couples.
So yes, when Soon-Yi wrote in 1993 that her mother was an abusive and perpetually angry woman who collected children like they were Cabbage Patch Dolls but either neglected them or bullied them, I was more likely to believe her. When Moses repeats these allegations 20 years later, damn right I think he's telling the truth.
But do I know? Not really. Just like the people who were molested or knew people who were molested and are pre-disposed to believe accusations of molestation, I got only the statements and the evidence - as contradictory as it might be.
And of course, the language turns to invectives and insults. If you believe Woody Allen, then you are a misogynist shitbag who is supporting rape culture. If you believe Dylan, then you are a lynch mob. Either way, you're blaming the victim.
I was focusing on the Soon-Yi affair as the most important component. People who believed that Allen brainwashed Soon-Yi away from her family and abused the paternal role believe that he molested his 7 year old daughter. People who believed that Soon-Yi was an adult making adult decisions (as bad as they might have been) and is just as culpable as Woody in that fiasco are more inclined to believe that Woody is being framed by a (justifiably) angry ex-girlfriend.
But why do people believe either way about Soon-Yi?
However, the more I think about it (I'm thinking about it a lot) the more it becomes a litmus test for sexual abuse and other forms of abuse. Dylan Farrow claims that she was molested. People who have been molested or experienced molestation in their communities (beyond the old guy that had me dig through his pockets for his change and told me I could keep what I took - I think I got at least four bucks out of it) are going to be more inclined to believe Dylan, because they know what it's like to have their stories doubted. They know what it's like to be dismissed because they are accused someone that people genuinely like. Not all molesters are like Ed Kramer or Michael Jackson who established themselves as creepy with overt attempts to isolate children from their parents and proudly proclaiming that they invite children over to Neverland and sleep with them in the same beds.
From this personal experience, which includes shame and guilt - even more for people who may have originally disbelieved their friends when they told them about the priest or the rabbi molesting them - there is a SOP of believing everyone who tells their sexual molestation story. There are several articles supporting this assertion. In one article, the writer used legalese to say that Dylan should be considered honest until proven otherwise. Another tact is the STFU, most women who are raped don't report it (by inference a woman who reports rape is telling the truth because she's putting herself out there). These are all compelling viewpoints.
However, the pro-Woody anti-Mia camp also has compelling emotional reasons that go beyond the "calling Mia a crazy bitch" reductive interpretation. Both Moses Farrow and Soon-Yi Farrow (Allen?) have put out statements saying that Mia Farrow was an abusive mother who created a hostile environment where they were the primary victims and Woody was a secondary victim. Their claims have also been dismissed by the Farrow camp (with Dylan stating that Moses is dead to her and that Mia was the best mother ever).
And here's where my personal history makes me more pre-disposed to believe Moses and Soon-Yi. I was raised by a single mother who was bipolar. I remember what it felt like to walk on eggshells. A great deal of my childhood was spent trying to make Mom happy. Didn't help much that she was also the angry woman that yelled at the neighborhood kids or thought that there was nothing wrong with telling me all about her life before I was born (including stories of her first boyfriend Pat and her favorite boyfriend Sam - details that you really shouldn't be telling to kids) or reading my mail when I was a teenager. I spent my teen years angry and it took me until my thirties to be ok with talking to her (thankfully menopause happened and she transitioned into a less fucked up angry person - except for the hoarding). I remember she would take me to her favorite bar for the free appetizers, usually to see her friend Anne. One point she wanted me to go up to one of the owners and reference a joke that he used to tell when I was a baby about me being his kid. And she wouldn't fucking let me refuse. I was like 8 and I finally just had to go up to him and mumble something and then she got mad at that too.
And no way would she remember any of this. She likes to edit her memories. I'm never going to get an apology for any of these stories and I gave up wanting one.
The major disadvantage is that it messed up my relationships for years. I'm already introverted and pretty shy, but I also gravitate towards women that will make me miserable. Even though I'm much too old to do the hopeless infatuation routine, I was doing it as recently as 5 years ago. I really convinced myself that things would work out with Chevi even though she was always angry at me and the "walking on eggshells" routine was even more profound with her. I claim that she was my wake-up call, but I don't know that I won't repeat the mistake. For contrast, I didn't feel like I was in a "real" relationship with Nanda until she was breaking up with me. Three years of comfortable companionship and I felt awkward for not being in a "passionate" relationship with screaming fights and things being thrown. The last year when she broke up with me, came back and made it obvious that she was not staying with me and that it would be better if I broke up with her - THAT was ideal for me.
On the other hand, it does give me a good healthy doubt for these essentialist gender roles. Women are not naturally maternal. There is nothing that says that a woman is going to be supportive or caring - no matter how much society tells her that it's natural to be that way. Those bullshit 80s feminist articles about how heterosexual relationships are by definition unequal and abusive - recognized as bullshit - and makes me want to call attention to domestic violence centers that cater to homosexuals because there is a general drift away from talking about the truth that gay couples can be just as fucked up and abusive as straight couples.
So yes, when Soon-Yi wrote in 1993 that her mother was an abusive and perpetually angry woman who collected children like they were Cabbage Patch Dolls but either neglected them or bullied them, I was more likely to believe her. When Moses repeats these allegations 20 years later, damn right I think he's telling the truth.
But do I know? Not really. Just like the people who were molested or knew people who were molested and are pre-disposed to believe accusations of molestation, I got only the statements and the evidence - as contradictory as it might be.
