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Less than 18 hours until Rosh Hashana
Sep. 24th, 2014 01:20 amI have been thinking about old friends lately, ones that have stayed friends and ones that have fallen away. I was looking up one particular old friends mostly because I'm still a little shocked about how badly it went when I found him on Facebook. When we were friends originally, we liked each other. We would talk about the mutual friends that annoyed us and the ways of changing faith. At one point, he told me that a mutual friend (Bridget) wanted to hear from me. And then when I called and left a message, I found out that she didn't want to talk about me.
And I believed him. I believed that Bridget was talking about me in such a way as to say that either I had changed or that she was still not happy with me in that brief time when she seemed interested in me and I did not honestly hit on her but danced around it too much. I left an angry message on her answering machine and then I ignored her when she called me. Didn't even hear her message. This guy brought that up and I still don't know how much of that was just his bullshit.
Mostly I am thinking about how much he just got obsessed with how much of an asshole he thought I was. But not everything he said against me was wrong. He called me broken and overly sensitive. These are truths. Certain things still hurt - and it's not a choice - and instead of reacting by honestly saying that I am hurt and dealing with it, I lash out and attack others. Some deserve it. Most don't.
There's also this paradoxical need to be accepted even as I know that I won't be and I often just put worst foot forward in order to get rid of the people that aren't going to like me over time - so why wait.
I think that when I read comments from the old friend that turned nasty and hateful or go to sites like The Return of the Kings - which is this bullshit man's rights site - I want to feel validated in that "I was never that bad" way. But that's not really validating so much as pretending that my faults are negligible in comparison.
And you can't compare. Have I been sensitive in a good way - more cognizant of the effects that my words and actions have on others? Or have I been sensitive by reacting to every criticism no matter how well-intentioned or misguided with vitriol? Have my insecurities allowed me to seek opportunities to help others or have I used them as an excuse to be nasty to others? Does my personal pain give me empathy or vitriol?
These are the questions and I hope that answers are mostly in the positive but who the hell knows.
Yeah, it's one of those boring self-involved High Holiday posts.
And I believed him. I believed that Bridget was talking about me in such a way as to say that either I had changed or that she was still not happy with me in that brief time when she seemed interested in me and I did not honestly hit on her but danced around it too much. I left an angry message on her answering machine and then I ignored her when she called me. Didn't even hear her message. This guy brought that up and I still don't know how much of that was just his bullshit.
Mostly I am thinking about how much he just got obsessed with how much of an asshole he thought I was. But not everything he said against me was wrong. He called me broken and overly sensitive. These are truths. Certain things still hurt - and it's not a choice - and instead of reacting by honestly saying that I am hurt and dealing with it, I lash out and attack others. Some deserve it. Most don't.
There's also this paradoxical need to be accepted even as I know that I won't be and I often just put worst foot forward in order to get rid of the people that aren't going to like me over time - so why wait.
I think that when I read comments from the old friend that turned nasty and hateful or go to sites like The Return of the Kings - which is this bullshit man's rights site - I want to feel validated in that "I was never that bad" way. But that's not really validating so much as pretending that my faults are negligible in comparison.
And you can't compare. Have I been sensitive in a good way - more cognizant of the effects that my words and actions have on others? Or have I been sensitive by reacting to every criticism no matter how well-intentioned or misguided with vitriol? Have my insecurities allowed me to seek opportunities to help others or have I used them as an excuse to be nasty to others? Does my personal pain give me empathy or vitriol?
These are the questions and I hope that answers are mostly in the positive but who the hell knows.
Yeah, it's one of those boring self-involved High Holiday posts.
