I'm just getting cranky this sukkot

I went to the communal sukkot meals. I liked the people. I like the people. I just don't feel like I fit in again. I don't know. Maybe I do. But there is this comfort that everyone around me seems to have with their position that I just don't have. I chose that, I know. On the other hand there is a great degree of class consciousness. No matter how liberal or how open minded these people are, they are not really going to get how much their privilege rankles those around them.

Or maybe I'm just worried too much. Mom moving into the assisted living and there's not a damn thing I can do about it. Mostly Mom is running herself ragged trying to clean out her apartment even though she doesn't have to do a damn thing really. Just put what she wants in boxes and let it go. I did try to put up an FB status update trying to get people in MN to help (buy Mom's crap) but no one actually checked - except for my second cousin who wanted the photographs - seriously, what the fuck is wrong with some people? The one thing that is objectively sentimental (as opposed to those hundred little bars of soap that were taken from a hotel back in 1968) and that's the only thing a relative wants.

And I got 5 overdrafts from Twin Cities Federal - the fucking ripoff bank that thrives off of fucking the poor. And if I don't get money into about three different accounts soon, I'm equally as screwed.

So there I am eating with people who are much more comfortable than me. People who can talk about "saving the planet" by bringing their own dishes to the Sukkah (I practically memorized that George Carlin routine about how humanity's purpose is to make plastic) and people who LOVE singing Carlebach and don't get just how much they are holding everyone hostage with their cheerful dull tunes that think is so "spiritual." And I envy their lack of care.

And I am being a jerk. I heard myself being a jerk. I was even bitching about the wine (Cabernet Sauvignon is meant to be dry and old - no fucking young grapes). And I doubt anyone was happy with me around. I heard every word coming out of my mouth and thinking that I would hate to eat with me.

Also, one girl talked about how ALL of your happiness comes on Sukkot so you better act happy. She said it with a smile on her face and with energetic cheer and it was the worst thing in the world to say. In fact, she said it a couple times at different meals. Apparently, the part of her brain that would go "hey maybe people are worried and anxious about other things in their life and this little sermon is the cruelest fucking thing that they could hear" was turned off. But it's not her fault. She's young. And she has a very stressful job, so maybe that's her way of dealing with her pain and anguish.

In other words, I would prefer to think that this obnoxiously cheerful girl is really just vainly trying to push off a deep-seated clinical depression that borders on suicidal than what she appears to be which is someone who is really that cheerful and really that lacking in empathy.

Havel Havelim

Damn. I feel like I'm stomping on bunny rabbits here.

I even challenged one of those memes about how asexuals have it really bad because they have to hear things like "it's just a phase right?" Because in a world where homosexuals can't get married and anti-Semitism is on the rise with Islamophobia and racism remaining at a constant level of horribleness, WHY NOT pity the poor asexuals who might be forced to one day HAVE A FUCKING CONVERSATION? Holy shit. That's just total oppression there.

I know. I know. I shouldn't do that. That road leads to Richard Dawkins douchebaggery. Shitty things happen to people and if they want understanding and empathy about it, then they should post their memes. If I am pissing and moaning about a lack of empathy in others, why am I not showing it.

But really? Asexuals aren't discriminated against in terms of housing, marriage rights, genocide, bashing, family ostracism. Yes, I have heard about bad therapy and even rape stories - but these are not standard cases. For the most part, the worst they get are people on the internet mocking them and clueless individuals not quite getting that they have no sex drives. You would think that they would spend the time that they aren't spending thinking about sex and put it to more productive uses than tumblr posts. And demisexuals are people in the majority trying to pretend that they are special little snowflakes because they don't quite get the difference between porn logic and real life.

And this is bothering me - I don't mean the things I just wrote about asexuals, but the fact that I am that annoyed with the whole movement to the point that I feel like I need to say that. If people want to think that they are special because they have no sex drives, then that's their right.

Damn.

Oh yeah, speaking of which - found a furry porn site called http://www.pandafuck.com - featuring a dude in a panda suit who never takes it off (well there is one hole cut out) and it even includes the World Wildlife Fund logo (although I am pretty sure that it's not officially endorsing furry porn - but I hope that WWF never finds out about it and sues).

So that's something.

Havel Havelim. Everything fades. The wise and the foolish both die.

I find that comforting.

And furry porn is always a good pickmeup.

Gosh. Was it something I said?

I recently had to deal with my rabbi practically begging me to shut up about my former roommate - the sociopathic rapist whose name begins with an M - because the guy was going around whining all the time about it because he's afraid that people are going to read about him and it's going to hurt his social standing or his shidduch chances (as opposed to his ever creepy personality that scares people as much as his inability to feel guilt attracts some). Anyhow, I find this concern to be strange and off-putting since I tend to spend a great deal of time online and on the FIRST PAGE of my google search you get:

Tim Lieder | LiarsCheatersRUs.com
liarscheatersrus.com/tim-lieder.html
This idiot Tim Lieder from New York, NY claims to own Dybbuk Press but is nothing more than a liar and a cheater who likes to use his little boy “blog” to attack ...

The ravings of Tim Lieder of Dybbuk Press who slights with ...
seasonoftheredwolf.wordpress.com/.../the-ravings-of-tim-lieder-of-dybb...
Jun 24, 2011 - This is my second article on genre editor and publisher of Dybbuk Press Tim Lieder, and his ridiculous feverbrained attacks on my blog ...

Tim Lieder « Award Winning Best Selling Florida Author ...
indieauthoryvonnemason.com/tag/tim-lieder/
Jan 24, 2014 - Posts about Tim Lieder written by yvonnemason. ... Well I went and did what I do best I did a background on Mr. Lieder- those of you who know ...

Of course, it's more amusing than anything since Yvonne Mason is neither bestselling or award winning (unless she made up the award herself) and most of her blog is a jihad against everyone that wrote bad reviews of her shitty micro-press books. Furry Jew is someone that I poked with a stick a couple of times. The irony is that I agree with his basic thesis (that there is a lot of anti-Semitism in leftwing spheres under the rubric of anti-Zionism) but his sheer amount of verbiage pretty much hurts any chances of such arguments being heard. Yes, Israel has a great record when it comes to gay rights especially in comparison to many of its neighbors, but that does not mean that someone who believes in gay rights is somehow hypocritical when it comes to reading and supporting people who are critical of Israel.

And then there is the liarscheatersrus guy who basically says that I'm mean on the blog. The only interest for that one was the way that it gave Chris Mankey a platform to vent against me when I blocked him on Facebook and Livejournal. He did say that I was broken emotionally - to which I reply "well duh! Thanks for noticing, dude! Maybe you can also make the observation that I converted to Judaism while you're at it."

I am too fascinated with these things. One thing that I still wonder about is the incident when Chris Mankey told me that a mutual friend Bridget had decided that she didn't want to talk to me. He mentioned her in one of the comments that he made on an old blog post. He told me that she was wondering how I was doing. Then I called and left a message and wanted to see what she was up to. Then he told me that she didn't want to hear from me. Either I changed or I didn't change or she had a problem with me from when she seemed to be interested in me and I hit on her in the dumbest possible way. But regardless, I got that this old friend that I had not talked to for a long time - and whom I thought well of - had decided that I was an asshole and didn't want to talk to me.

Instead of actually just calling Bridget and seeing how she was and seeing if she really felt that way, I took Chris Mankey's word for it and called her and left her an angry message. And then I never talked to her again. She left a message on my voicemail but I never listened to it. I don't know if she was perplexed or angry. But Chris just kept telling me that she thought that I was an asshole now and that they talked about how crazy I had gone.

Only I was upset over something that Chris Mankey had said and I did not give Bridget the benefit of the doubt. Even if she had spoken of me in that manner, there was no way to know if it was in the same way that Mankey conveyed it.

And the weird thing is that when I was in my 20s, I was pretty quick to take offense and very sensitive about it. How Nanda stayed with me for four years is a mystery. But I also trusted people more and I don't know what happened with Chris. I mean when I re-connected with him over Facebook, he seemed ok and then he posted an article that basically went "All religious people are stupid fuckers" and I didn't even argue with the sentiment (I've been evangelistic in my own way and when someone gets evangelistic like that I tend to want to give them space) so much as the tone. Yeah, I tone policed someone - but that's not it really. Tone policing is more of what happens when you are in an argument and suddenly someone takes offense because you started using harsh language in reaction to their stupid point. Mostly it's something like someone going "We think that we can sit on a story for a year because we are a prestigious college lit magazine" and you going "no, that's the stupidest fucking thing ever." and them going "well, you're just being irrational and swearing at me so I knkow that I'm superior" (mixer publishing was that exchange - so if you are a writer - NEVER submit to those guys).

But for him, I just said something along the lines of "maybe you shouldn't be so harsh to theists" - and ok, I'm remembering it in my own way and maybe I wasn't that rational, but I remember being very rational and just having a problem with the rudeness. Only he took it as an excuse to send me a nasty PM and block me. A year later he apologized but then he got into it with me all over again and he pulled one of those "I'm just asking questions" moves like he could somehow insult me into becoming an atheist.

And then I got a load of hostility from him which he carried out for months. I would think that he had gone away and he would come back to keep insulting me.

So here's the quandry - when I knew him in my 20s, I thought he was a nice guy who had some issues and tended to get very hung up on things, but was basically a decent sort with some awkwardness. This was when he was a Buddhist. But he was already happily reading the atheist stuff and engaging in the troll-bait preacher show that is Brother Jed and Company (these are preachers who come to college campuses, insult people, get heckled and then keep going - apparently they think that they will win converts from the people who feel sorry for them for getting heckled - even though they are inviting the heckling). And now that I am older, I see him for a raging asshole who has never properly dealt with his issues and will always push people away and fight against anyone who doesn't conform to his way of thinking (which is most people).

Of course, "a raging asshole who has never properly dealt with his issues and will always push people away and fight against anyone who doesn't conform to his way of thinking (which is most people)" is how I can be described - not on my best days thankfully, but I definitely fit the profile. I have enough insight to want to change and work at changing, but I know that I backslide and I know that I will say things that rankle people (for example, Yvonne Mason was pissed at me for mocking Black Bed Sheets Publishing for their ugly covers. Most of the small press amateurs were pretty pissed at me for that one and I did not apologize or even try to pretend that I felt bad about it because those are some fugly covers and a stupid business model).

But was Chris like that back in the 90s when we were friends and I just didn't notice it because I was also like that - with less insight than I have now?

And if so, does that mean that Bridget never talked shit about me, never said anything bad and he purposefully drove a wedge between us because he knew I was dumb enough to believe him?

It's a fucked up thing to think that I am so trusting and sensitive (in a bad way) that I will believe anyone who tells me that someone else is speaking shit about me. Then again, maybe I just have that whole psychological abuse where I don't really think that I am deserving of anyone's affection and I automatically believe it when I hear that anyone hates my guts because I think that's way more natural than people liking me.

Yeah, I have issues.