Gosh. Was it something I said?
Oct. 13th, 2014 05:07 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
marlowe1I recently had to deal with my rabbi practically begging me to shut up about my former roommate - the sociopathic rapist whose name begins with an M - because the guy was going around whining all the time about it because he's afraid that people are going to read about him and it's going to hurt his social standing or his shidduch chances (as opposed to his ever creepy personality that scares people as much as his inability to feel guilt attracts some). Anyhow, I find this concern to be strange and off-putting since I tend to spend a great deal of time online and on the FIRST PAGE of my google search you get:
And then there is the liarscheatersrus guy who basically says that I'm mean on the blog. The only interest for that one was the way that it gave Chris Mankey a platform to vent against me when I blocked him on Facebook and Livejournal. He did say that I was broken emotionally - to which I reply "well duh! Thanks for noticing, dude! Maybe you can also make the observation that I converted to Judaism while you're at it."
I am too fascinated with these things. One thing that I still wonder about is the incident when Chris Mankey told me that a mutual friend Bridget had decided that she didn't want to talk to me. He mentioned her in one of the comments that he made on an old blog post. He told me that she was wondering how I was doing. Then I called and left a message and wanted to see what she was up to. Then he told me that she didn't want to hear from me. Either I changed or I didn't change or she had a problem with me from when she seemed to be interested in me and I hit on her in the dumbest possible way. But regardless, I got that this old friend that I had not talked to for a long time - and whom I thought well of - had decided that I was an asshole and didn't want to talk to me.
Instead of actually just calling Bridget and seeing how she was and seeing if she really felt that way, I took Chris Mankey's word for it and called her and left her an angry message. And then I never talked to her again. She left a message on my voicemail but I never listened to it. I don't know if she was perplexed or angry. But Chris just kept telling me that she thought that I was an asshole now and that they talked about how crazy I had gone.
Only I was upset over something that Chris Mankey had said and I did not give Bridget the benefit of the doubt. Even if she had spoken of me in that manner, there was no way to know if it was in the same way that Mankey conveyed it.
And the weird thing is that when I was in my 20s, I was pretty quick to take offense and very sensitive about it. How Nanda stayed with me for four years is a mystery. But I also trusted people more and I don't know what happened with Chris. I mean when I re-connected with him over Facebook, he seemed ok and then he posted an article that basically went "All religious people are stupid fuckers" and I didn't even argue with the sentiment (I've been evangelistic in my own way and when someone gets evangelistic like that I tend to want to give them space) so much as the tone. Yeah, I tone policed someone - but that's not it really. Tone policing is more of what happens when you are in an argument and suddenly someone takes offense because you started using harsh language in reaction to their stupid point. Mostly it's something like someone going "We think that we can sit on a story for a year because we are a prestigious college lit magazine" and you going "no, that's the stupidest fucking thing ever." and them going "well, you're just being irrational and swearing at me so I knkow that I'm superior" (mixer publishing was that exchange - so if you are a writer - NEVER submit to those guys).
But for him, I just said something along the lines of "maybe you shouldn't be so harsh to theists" - and ok, I'm remembering it in my own way and maybe I wasn't that rational, but I remember being very rational and just having a problem with the rudeness. Only he took it as an excuse to send me a nasty PM and block me. A year later he apologized but then he got into it with me all over again and he pulled one of those "I'm just asking questions" moves like he could somehow insult me into becoming an atheist.
And then I got a load of hostility from him which he carried out for months. I would think that he had gone away and he would come back to keep insulting me.
So here's the quandry - when I knew him in my 20s, I thought he was a nice guy who had some issues and tended to get very hung up on things, but was basically a decent sort with some awkwardness. This was when he was a Buddhist. But he was already happily reading the atheist stuff and engaging in the troll-bait preacher show that is Brother Jed and Company (these are preachers who come to college campuses, insult people, get heckled and then keep going - apparently they think that they will win converts from the people who feel sorry for them for getting heckled - even though they are inviting the heckling). And now that I am older, I see him for a raging asshole who has never properly dealt with his issues and will always push people away and fight against anyone who doesn't conform to his way of thinking (which is most people).
Of course, "a raging asshole who has never properly dealt with his issues and will always push people away and fight against anyone who doesn't conform to his way of thinking (which is most people)" is how I can be described - not on my best days thankfully, but I definitely fit the profile. I have enough insight to want to change and work at changing, but I know that I backslide and I know that I will say things that rankle people (for example, Yvonne Mason was pissed at me for mocking Black Bed Sheets Publishing for their ugly covers. Most of the small press amateurs were pretty pissed at me for that one and I did not apologize or even try to pretend that I felt bad about it because those are some fugly covers and a stupid business model).
But was Chris like that back in the 90s when we were friends and I just didn't notice it because I was also like that - with less insight than I have now?
And if so, does that mean that Bridget never talked shit about me, never said anything bad and he purposefully drove a wedge between us because he knew I was dumb enough to believe him?
It's a fucked up thing to think that I am so trusting and sensitive (in a bad way) that I will believe anyone who tells me that someone else is speaking shit about me. Then again, maybe I just have that whole psychological abuse where I don't really think that I am deserving of anyone's affection and I automatically believe it when I hear that anyone hates my guts because I think that's way more natural than people liking me.
Yeah, I have issues.
Tim Lieder | LiarsCheatersRUs.comOf course, it's more amusing than anything since Yvonne Mason is neither bestselling or award winning (unless she made up the award herself) and most of her blog is a jihad against everyone that wrote bad reviews of her shitty micro-press books. Furry Jew is someone that I poked with a stick a couple of times. The irony is that I agree with his basic thesis (that there is a lot of anti-Semitism in leftwing spheres under the rubric of anti-Zionism) but his sheer amount of verbiage pretty much hurts any chances of such arguments being heard. Yes, Israel has a great record when it comes to gay rights especially in comparison to many of its neighbors, but that does not mean that someone who believes in gay rights is somehow hypocritical when it comes to reading and supporting people who are critical of Israel.
liarscheatersrus.com/tim-lieder.html
This idiot Tim Lieder from New York, NY claims to own Dybbuk Press but is nothing more than a liar and a cheater who likes to use his little boy “blog” to attack ...
The ravings of Tim Lieder of Dybbuk Press who slights with ...
seasonoftheredwolf.wordpress.com/.../the-ravings-of-tim-lieder-of-dybb...
Jun 24, 2011 - This is my second article on genre editor and publisher of Dybbuk Press Tim Lieder, and his ridiculous feverbrained attacks on my blog ...
Tim Lieder « Award Winning Best Selling Florida Author ...
indieauthoryvonnemason.com/tag/tim-lieder/
Jan 24, 2014 - Posts about Tim Lieder written by yvonnemason. ... Well I went and did what I do best I did a background on Mr. Lieder- those of you who know ...
And then there is the liarscheatersrus guy who basically says that I'm mean on the blog. The only interest for that one was the way that it gave Chris Mankey a platform to vent against me when I blocked him on Facebook and Livejournal. He did say that I was broken emotionally - to which I reply "well duh! Thanks for noticing, dude! Maybe you can also make the observation that I converted to Judaism while you're at it."
I am too fascinated with these things. One thing that I still wonder about is the incident when Chris Mankey told me that a mutual friend Bridget had decided that she didn't want to talk to me. He mentioned her in one of the comments that he made on an old blog post. He told me that she was wondering how I was doing. Then I called and left a message and wanted to see what she was up to. Then he told me that she didn't want to hear from me. Either I changed or I didn't change or she had a problem with me from when she seemed to be interested in me and I hit on her in the dumbest possible way. But regardless, I got that this old friend that I had not talked to for a long time - and whom I thought well of - had decided that I was an asshole and didn't want to talk to me.
Instead of actually just calling Bridget and seeing how she was and seeing if she really felt that way, I took Chris Mankey's word for it and called her and left her an angry message. And then I never talked to her again. She left a message on my voicemail but I never listened to it. I don't know if she was perplexed or angry. But Chris just kept telling me that she thought that I was an asshole now and that they talked about how crazy I had gone.
Only I was upset over something that Chris Mankey had said and I did not give Bridget the benefit of the doubt. Even if she had spoken of me in that manner, there was no way to know if it was in the same way that Mankey conveyed it.
And the weird thing is that when I was in my 20s, I was pretty quick to take offense and very sensitive about it. How Nanda stayed with me for four years is a mystery. But I also trusted people more and I don't know what happened with Chris. I mean when I re-connected with him over Facebook, he seemed ok and then he posted an article that basically went "All religious people are stupid fuckers" and I didn't even argue with the sentiment (I've been evangelistic in my own way and when someone gets evangelistic like that I tend to want to give them space) so much as the tone. Yeah, I tone policed someone - but that's not it really. Tone policing is more of what happens when you are in an argument and suddenly someone takes offense because you started using harsh language in reaction to their stupid point. Mostly it's something like someone going "We think that we can sit on a story for a year because we are a prestigious college lit magazine" and you going "no, that's the stupidest fucking thing ever." and them going "well, you're just being irrational and swearing at me so I knkow that I'm superior" (mixer publishing was that exchange - so if you are a writer - NEVER submit to those guys).
But for him, I just said something along the lines of "maybe you shouldn't be so harsh to theists" - and ok, I'm remembering it in my own way and maybe I wasn't that rational, but I remember being very rational and just having a problem with the rudeness. Only he took it as an excuse to send me a nasty PM and block me. A year later he apologized but then he got into it with me all over again and he pulled one of those "I'm just asking questions" moves like he could somehow insult me into becoming an atheist.
And then I got a load of hostility from him which he carried out for months. I would think that he had gone away and he would come back to keep insulting me.
So here's the quandry - when I knew him in my 20s, I thought he was a nice guy who had some issues and tended to get very hung up on things, but was basically a decent sort with some awkwardness. This was when he was a Buddhist. But he was already happily reading the atheist stuff and engaging in the troll-bait preacher show that is Brother Jed and Company (these are preachers who come to college campuses, insult people, get heckled and then keep going - apparently they think that they will win converts from the people who feel sorry for them for getting heckled - even though they are inviting the heckling). And now that I am older, I see him for a raging asshole who has never properly dealt with his issues and will always push people away and fight against anyone who doesn't conform to his way of thinking (which is most people).
Of course, "a raging asshole who has never properly dealt with his issues and will always push people away and fight against anyone who doesn't conform to his way of thinking (which is most people)" is how I can be described - not on my best days thankfully, but I definitely fit the profile. I have enough insight to want to change and work at changing, but I know that I backslide and I know that I will say things that rankle people (for example, Yvonne Mason was pissed at me for mocking Black Bed Sheets Publishing for their ugly covers. Most of the small press amateurs were pretty pissed at me for that one and I did not apologize or even try to pretend that I felt bad about it because those are some fugly covers and a stupid business model).
But was Chris like that back in the 90s when we were friends and I just didn't notice it because I was also like that - with less insight than I have now?
And if so, does that mean that Bridget never talked shit about me, never said anything bad and he purposefully drove a wedge between us because he knew I was dumb enough to believe him?
It's a fucked up thing to think that I am so trusting and sensitive (in a bad way) that I will believe anyone who tells me that someone else is speaking shit about me. Then again, maybe I just have that whole psychological abuse where I don't really think that I am deserving of anyone's affection and I automatically believe it when I hear that anyone hates my guts because I think that's way more natural than people liking me.
Yeah, I have issues.
